A Father. A Daughter. Neuropathy.

Ever since I was little, I remember my dad being in pain in some sort of capacity. After a herniated disk ruptured in his lower back, it changed the course of his life. Struggling with Neuropathy, he has bad nerve damage which causes pain in his body. Younger me could barely touch his foot and he would jerk or yell out. His feet felt hot to the touch. All my life I’ve tried to help him by getting ice water ready, getting something that he couldn’t/doing something he couldn’t, getting his medicine when he asks, etc. 

I remember when I was probably around five or six and he took me to one of his chiropractor appointments. Before we went in he told me not to worry if he made noise, that he was fine. I didn’t understand what he meant until I heard him loudly yell when something was pushed back in place. Now when I go with him and even get adjusted myself, I don’t bat an eye. Being exposed to environments like this have helped me understand the things people have to do to reduce their pain and how it will always be there. 

Over the years, his pain has changed. Once he got diagnosed with Diabetes, that set a whole bunch of things off for him. Gradually he started losing feeling in his feet entirely. Sometimes he will even make jokes that if something went through his foot he wouldn’t be able to feel it. Constantly checking for cuts, cracks, and blisters making sure his feet stay as healthy as they can. I am his at home doctor of sorts cleaning his wounds, bandaging them up, and putting lotion on his feet when he needs me to.

As I grew, I had to watch the sadness my dad went through. He had to take a lot of FMLA time because his pain was so bad he wasn’t able to work. One thing I saw the most and honestly, I see this with any type of disability that has invisible issues like physical and emotional pain is that they aren't taken seriously. I feel like people always tried to downplay his suffering and that made me really angry. I knew he was doing the best he could and I knew I don’t understand the pain he's going through because I’ve never experienced it. 

One specific instance I can think of is when his primary care doctor told him to see a foot doctor/specialist. Mind you, we haven’t been back to one because this doctor did not care to be gentle or understand my dads pain. At the time, he still had sensitive feelings in his feet and that doctor jerked them around and was really rough. I could tell how angry and in pain my dad was from his facial expressions.

It's also been hard to watch the mental struggles he goes through. I know my dad wishes he could do more than he's able. Working on a shed we started building last year, I helped him where I could. He could only work for a certain amount of time before stopping and I know it was hard on him. His hand became really hot, red, blotchy, and throbbing in pain. He was mad at himself for things that he can’t control. Even though we were able to have friends from church to help with the project, I know my dad wishes he could still move like he did in his 20s. 

This made me think about all the people struggling with things we cannot see and how people don’t take those things seriously. Even throughout my life, there is sometimes where I didn’t take him seriously. Not because I didn’t care, but sometimes it frustrated me. When we might have to slow down places I want to speed up, when I want to stay home but I won’t let my mom go to the grocery by herself. Other times when I want a hug or to hold his hand, sometimes he can’t because of his pain. I just sometimes let my feelings get in the way of what actually matters and that is dangerous.

Even through that, I get over it quick because I quickly realize:

1. It's not the end of the world so build a bridge and get over it

2. I love my dad very much and I want to be as helpful as I possibly can

3. I need to learn that things change

Sometimes, things aren’t going to go the way they planned. He didn’t plan when he was young to have all these issues. He had dreams and aspirations just like me. He was his own person before he was my dad. I not only had to watch him go through his pain, he also had to watch over his mom growing up. My grandma had back pain too. She had surgery after surgery. My dad worked his butt off to help pay for medications for her pain and recovery. He is a good son and an amazing father to me. 

I like that he relies on me to help because it's a service I can do as his daughter. I will always be there for him when he needs me. I know that in the near future I’ll be married and out of the house, but right now while I live at home, I can help both him and my mom with the things that they need and in the future be there for them as much as possible and trust that God has them in His hands.